


Links And Reflections

by LilyK



Category: The Professionals
Genre: M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-30 02:01:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11453652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyK/pseuds/LilyK
Summary: Doyle contemplates life's twists and turns.





	Links And Reflections

Ray Doyle studied the reflection peering back at him from his bathroom mirror. The eyes were still the same green colour they'd been earlier in the day. The hair was still unruly, curly, with a hint of grey at the temples. His stomach was still relatively flat, although the lagers would catch up to him eventually, he reckoned as he rested his palm against his belly. Somehow, he thought, he should look different, yet he was seeing the same reflection that he'd seen that morning. Strange, that.

"Penny?" Bodie said softly, coming up behind him.

Their eyes met in the mirror's slick surface, and Doyle could see clearly Bodie's struggle to smile. For himself, he didn't even try. He kept his gaze locked on Bodie's and waited. Bodie stared back for a long moment before he finally slipped his arms around Doyle's waist. He linked his hands together and rested his chin lightly on Doyle's shoulder. Doyle felt a brush of warm breath dust across his ear as Bodie sighed, and he closed his eyes at the sadness the sound held. He wished he could bring a true smile to Bodie's face. That he could bring his partner happiness. It was something they both wanted. What they both needed. But...

Doyle shrugged and said, "Sorry, mate. They're not worth that much today." As he spoke, he touched the gold links that circled his throat. When his finger rubbed across the chain, he felt Bodie's arms tighten.

"Ray..."

"Don't," Doyle said firmly. "Please... It's -- done. It'll work itself out."

"I'm sor-"

"No. We said no apologies. I asked for honesty. You gave it to me." Doyle's gaze caught Bodie's. He saw pain in the blue eyes, a pain he could fully understand, but behind it, also fear. A fear he couldn't comprehend. Couldn't accept. Couldn't dispel. With a shiver, he closed his eyes.

Bodie held him closely. "You don't have to wear it. I didn't mean-"

"No," Doyle blurted out too loudly, eyes opening quickly. He forced himself to take a calming breath before he spoke again. "No. It's precious to me. Want to wear it. It won't come off. Not ever. So's I can remember..."

Suddenly, he felt his eyes actually prickle, and he sucked in a shaky breath. There was no way he was going to fall apart in front of Bodie. He's never live it down.

Not that Bodie would be cruel, but he would tease. Doyle knew it was just Bodie's way of coping, a way of hiding his true feelings. Bodie's way of saying, _I care about you... love you, Doyle._ And, faced with that, Doyle knew he could very well break down and embarrass himself. So he firmly reined himself in and released the breath he still held.

After all, he'd been the one to press Bodie for some kind of commitment. He couldn't live any longer drifting along, wondering exactly where he stood with his best friend. He had to know where their future lay. So after the bloody boring requisite formal dinner Cowley'd insisted they attend, and after they'd come back to Doyle's flat, slightly giddy and slightly drunk from too much champagne, and after they'd shrugged out of their dinner jackets and bow ties, and after they'd fucked each other senseless, he'd pushed Bodie until Bodie had made his decision. He'd done exactly what Doyle had asked.

Fuck it all, anyway.

Bodie's response to his ultimatum had triggered Doyle's retreat into the bathroom. He needed time to think, to try to understand the fear he'd seen clearly etched on Bodie's face. But now, as he looked into his partner's eyes, the words Bodie'd spoken to him echoed in his head: _You're important to me, mate, but I'm not -- marriage material. Can't be tied down. It's not you. It's me. You understand, right?_

Doyle swallowed around the lump in his throat and asked, "Will it throw you off?"

"Eh?"

Again touching the links, Doyle explained, "While we're working, or out having a game, or at the pub."

There was a long pause before Bodie's arms fell away. "No, it'll remind me as well."

"Of the good bits?" Doyle asked, unable to keep the touch of hopefulness from his words.

Bodie smiled faintly. "Yes. That and... What an arse I am. How I know I'll live to regret this..." Bodie paused again, and Doyle could see his body stiffen as tension suddenly descended over him.

Doyle turned quickly, putting his hands on Bodie's shoulders. Intent on keeping this friendship -- this partnership intact, he forced a smile to his lips. "Hey, no worries. We had a good run. I don't regret a second. Never will." Doyle's hands squeezed gently. "Understand? I don't have any regrets."

Bodie stared back for a long moment before he finally nodded, took a step back and shoved his hands into his pockets. With a final glance that looked as if he were committing Doyle's features to memory, Bodie turned and walked away, calling over his shoulder, "You're my best mate, Doyle."

Doyle stood very still, watching Bodie's back until he disappeared from view. He didn't move, but listened carefully while Bodie gathered up his dinner jacket and quietly left the flat. Doyle's head dropped. Bodie was his best mate as well. And now, his ex-lover. In his mind's eye, Doyle could still see the proud set of his partner's shoulders as he'd walked away. With a pain in his heart, he wished he could wave a magic wand and fix everything. But Bodie had made things pretty clear, and no matter how painful the final decision had been, Doyle knew there wasn't a thing he could do.

Only after the front door had clicked shut did he turn back to the mirror. Leaning forward onto his hands, Doyle intently stared at his reflection. Yes, he still looked the same as he had that morning, yet there was a new sadness around his eyes. He felt older, and it was with a heavy heart that he took in the gold chain hanging around his neck.

Bodie had placed that chain on him only a few weeks ago. It had been a token, and Doyle had hoped it was a pledge. So much for that...

The links sparkled in the bathroom's light, dazzling in their newness. The links were strong, he could see, but not strong enough. Not enough for Bodie to say it. Not enough for Bodie to make that pledge. Not enough for him to give Doyle what he had to have to go on. And with Bodie's refusal of the terms, Doyle's world shattered. With a hard swallow, he smashed his fist into the glass, and one of the cracks that radiated from the centre cut across his reflection, hideously splitting it into two halves. Just like his heart.

\-----------------------------

Doyle examined his mirror image.

"Not too bad, mate," he said to himself, "for an old guy."

"You're not old."

The sound of Bodie's voice brought Doyle out of his reverie. He smiled at his partner as they looked at each other in the mirror. "Be ready shortly. Thought you were having a drink."

"I am," Bodie answered, raising the glass in salute.

"So are you going to tell me what's going on?" Doyle asked as he brushed his hair, his gaze holding Bodie's. He watched expressions flash across his partner's face, seeing uncertainty, a hint of disquiet and a touch of fear. Now his curiosity was truly piqued. "What did he dress you down about?"

"I said I'd tell you, and I will, but first..."

Doyle never wavered from his perusal of his partner. He was curious about Bodie's run-in with Cowley earlier that day, but something else niggled at his mind.

He felt a sudden dip in his stomach as he was swamped with apprehension. Was this it, then? Tonight? Was this their last night together as mates, as partners? Was this the day that Bodie finally disbanded their team, leaving him alone?

Forcing himself to shake off the unwelcome feeling, he gently prodded, "Go on."

"Will you answer me something first?" Bodie asked.

Surprised at the anxiety that coloured Bodie's tone, Doyle nodded. "Yeah."

Bodie nodded, but still he hesitated. Doyle watched as Bodie's throat rippled when he swallowed harshly before he took a sip of his drink.

"Bodie, for chrissake!" Doyle demanded, his own foreboding so strong that he didn't even try to keep the anger from his tone.

"Why don't you wear it any more?" Bodie asked in a rush.

"What?" Doyle asked, momentarily confused by both the question and the look on Bodie's face.

That look wasn't something he'd often seen on Bodie. Hell, he could read his partner like a bloody book, and if he had to lay a wager down right this second, he'd say the man was scared shitless. But even as Doyle watched him, Bodie quickly regained his composure and tipped his chin up arrogantly, returning the scrutiny.

Doyle's brow furrowed for a moment before realization dawned. "Oh. Right." His hand flew to his throat where the golden links no longer rested. He could still feel their weight touching his skin, and the look on Bodie's face told him what his friend's hesitancy and fear were about. He wanted to turn around and hug Bodie fiercely. He wanted to slap that look of disdain from Bodie's lips and crush them under his own, but he'd lost that right that dreadful night more than a few years ago.

"Don't," Bodie suddenly said. "Don't make excuses, damn you."

Doyle watched as Bodie suddenly turned to leave.

"Bodie."

Bodie stiffened, but, thankfully, he did stop. Doyle stared at him through the mirror, afraid to turn around.

"It isn't what you think. I didn't take it off. It broke on that obbo where that goon grabbed me round the neck. Two weeks ago. You remember, don't you?" He slipped his fingers into his jeans' front pocket. "Look." He opened his hand where the links nestled in a golden pile in his palm. "I remember the promise. I'd never take it off willingly. It's just that I haven't had time to have it mended."

Doyle shifted his hand slightly and allowed the chain to slip off to form a shiny pool on the basin top. After a moment, he said quietly, "Didn't think you'd noticed."

Bodie snorted. "'Course I noticed."

With exaggerated patience, Doyle asked again, "What did The Cow get on you about this afternoon?"

"I- Well... It's like this..." Bodie shuffled his feet and blushed.

"Bodie," Doyle warned, surprised to see his usually composed partner look so flustered.

"Will you let me do this in my own time?" Bodie practically shouted, throwing out the hand that still held his glass and splashing scotch down the bathroom wall. He immediately reached for a towel, but Doyle forestalled him by quickly turning and grabbing Bodie's wrist.

"Leave it, and talk!"

"I resigned!"

"Eh?" Doyle released Bodie's wrist.

Bodie sighed and sagged back against the door frame. "Christ, this is not working out the way I'd planned it."

"Planned what?" Doyle demanded. He crossed his arms, growing more irritated by the second.

"Doyle, please." When Bodie's gaze met his, Doyle was astonished to see the fear still firmly in place.

Feeling suddenly contrite, Doyle cocked his head. "Hey. Go on. I won't stop you again."

"I didn't actually resign. Well, I did, but... Oh, bloody hell." Bodie sucked in a quick breath before he huffed it out. "I told Cowley I was a security risk." He held up a hand. "Before you go barmy, just listen. I told the old man that I was tired of my life. That I'd made a decision, and he needed to know what it was, and if he didn't like it, he could have my resignation on his desk by morning."

"And this decision was...?"

"I told him I was going to be in a homosexual relationship. That I'd have a male lover. That I'd be discreet, but it was going to happen, and there wasn't a bloody thing he could do to stop it."

"You did what?" Doyle shouted. "Of all the stupid... Wait. Did you tell Cowley who...? Hold on, who is your lover?"

"You."

"Me." Doyle stepped back and let the basin give his suddenly shaky legs support. "You told him we were lovers?" he asked quietly.

"No! 'Course not! He already knew."

"How in bloody hell could he know?"

Bodie shrugged. "He's a crafty old bastard."

"And he's approving of this-" Doyle waved a hand between them.

"Apparently."

Doyle paused for effect, then said, "So that's why, when you both came out of his office, he said a rather pleasant _'good evening'_ to me and cast you a cold eye when he said to _'fix your damned foul-up'_?" He tried to duplicate his boss's accent.

Bodie rolled his eyes at Doyle's efforts and then said, "Apparently, he knows me well enough to know that the foul-up was indeed mine."

"Yours?" Doyle asked, before he demanded, "How so?"

Bodie grimaced, and for a moment Doyle thought he would sidestep the question, but instead, Bodie squared his shoulders and forged on. "Yeah. Definitely mine. Thought about it, and now I realize that's when it clinched it for the old bugger. Outside Avery's place."

Casting his thoughts back, Doyle nodded. "Oh, right. You and Cowley. You were having words. Didn't know what was going on, and you never said."

"He was blasting me for insubordination, is all. I defended my honour, but then I stuck my foot in it." Bodie shrugged. "Said I had to go in because he'd have regretted those arses getting "him". He thought I meant Ojuka. And when he let me know that Ojuka's safety wasn't a good enough reason to disobey orders, I set him straight, of course."

"Of course you did. Never do know when to keep your trap shut, do you?" Doyle said, snickering softly, before he asked, "You were dressed down because of me, weren't you? You were under orders to hold back, and you went on anyway."

"Just like you've done, mate." They exchanged grins before Bodie added, "Meant what I said. I'll always watch your back. Come hell or high water. Or sodding Cowley."

"I know." Doyle shook his head with fond exasperation before he said, "Hang on. This isn't making any sense. You and I aren't lovers. Water under the bridge, and you know it!" Doyle's anger rose quickly, and his hands clenched. Even after all this time, everything they'd shared came back to him in a rush, along with the pain of their parting as lovers.

"Ray..." Bodie gave him a pleading look. "I didn't tell Cowley it was you, not specifically. And I meant what I said. If he thinks I'm a security risk, I'll resign, but I can't do this any longer."

Doyle frowned, still not quite sure of all the facts. "Wait. So you disobeying orders was your foul up? That's what he meant when he said to fix it?"

"No, you berk." Bodie sighed theatrically. "Letting you go was. Leaving you. Hurting you. Cowley knows what I did. Somehow he knew I fucked you over... because I'm- I was a coward."

"This is daft. Cowley blasted you for not being my lover? What's wrong with that picture? And what does the neck chain have to do with any of this?"

Bodie's smile was rueful. "If you'd said you'd tossed it, that meant that you were done with me forever. That you didn't care any more. Not that I blame you after what I did. So I was just going to -- disappear. But you still have it, so I'm hoping that it means you still -- you know..." Bodie's voice trailed off, and he looked distinctly uncomfortable.

"Love you?" Doyle suggested.

"Yeah."

"And what if I do? Damn it all, Bodie, but I can't do this again!" Doyle ran a hand through his hair, sighing as he did so. He meant what he said; he couldn't do this again. He couldn't love Bodie, only to have to say goodbye again. He'd never survive another go at it. He blinked slowly and slumped against the door frame opposite his partner.

"I know, Ray. I know how much I hurt you." Bodie moved closer. He canted his head and gave a half-hearted smile. "But I know I was a moron, and I want to make it right."

Doyle was surprised yet again to see the vulnerability etched on Bodie's face. His partner wasn't one to let his true feelings show. Doyle understood. Bodie had been hurt badly many years ago, and since then he'd never trusted anyone with his heart. All the birds (and even a few blokes, judging by Bodie's vague hints) had been just -- entertainment. A distraction. A way to gain a few minutes' satisfaction, but nothing more.

Doyle knew exactly what Bodie thought about love and commitment, probably more than Bodie even remembered telling. A drunken night in Bodie's flat three years ago had revealed a good bit more than Doyle had ever wanted to know about his partner, his best mate. Blitzed almost into incoherency, Bodie had let it all slip. How he'd been betrayed by a women he loved. How he ended up rotting in a Congo prison for month after month because of her. How he'd been beaten and starved -- and worse... No, Bodie didn't love... And Doyle didn't- couldn't blame him at all.

And yet, here he was, admitting that he'd offered his resignation to their controller, effective immediately, if the man didn't accept him without question.

Doyle refocused on his best friend, who was standing mere inches from him, his hands shoved into his pockets, looking unsure of himself.

"Listen," Bodie said softly. "I don't have much to offer, but it's yours. Always has been. All of it. All of me. Every day. Every night. Now. Tomorrow. Next week. Next year." He gave a shaky smile. "If you'll have me."

"Bodie..."

"I mean it. Every word. Pledge it to you in blood if you want."

"No. No need." Doyle smiled. "You're a man of your word." His hand reached out to clasp Bodie's shoulder, and his fingers squeezed gently.

"Cheers, mate." Bodie's eyes sparkled brightly. "Is it that easy? It's settled?"

"For me, 'tis." Doyle's vision suddenly turned blurry, and he quickly turned away.

"Hey..." Bodie's hand wrapped around Doyle's wrist. "Are you going to get all weepy on me?"

Doyle vehemently shook his head, even as he said, "Yeah."

Bodie chuckled and yanked Doyle into his arms. "Good."

\---------------------------

Bodie came up behind Doyle as he stood at the basin and slipped his arms around his waist. Doyle grinned as he ran the electric shaver over his chin. Bodie's lips pressed against the back of his naked shoulder.

"Love you," Bodie said softly.

Doyle smiled at Bodie in the mirror's reflection. "You as well."

Bodie reached around him to pick up the golden links still resting on the ledge. "I'll get this mended for you." He stood and wrapped the chain around Doyle's neck, holding the broken edges together. "I always liked the way it looked against your skin. Quite sexy if you ask me."

"Can mend it if you like."

Bodie raised his head, and they looked at each other in the mirror's surface. "Do you want it repaired?"

Doyle shrugged. "You've already fixed what I wanted." He put a hand over one of Bodie's.

"Eh?" Bodie asked, his eyebrow arching.

"Me heart, you bloody nutter."

"You have a way with words, sunshine."

Doyle turned in Bodie's arms. He reached up and took the metal links from his lover's hand and wrapped his fingers around it. "Mend it then, and I'll wear it for you."

"Or you could just wear -- this." Bodie reached under a pile of flannels and produced a small packet.

Doyle's eyebrow rose. "What's this?"

Bodie shrugged. "Somethin'."

Doyle grinned and tore into the coloured paper, holding up the thin silver bracelet in the bathroom light. "It's beautiful." Knowing his partner's impeccable taste, he took a moment to admire the fine craftsmanship before he slipped the metal band onto his wrist and ran a finger slowly across the shiny surface. "Thank you."

"Can't marry you, so..." Bodie shrugged again, blushing to his roots.

"Doesn't matter," Doyle said softly.

"We aren't on today."

Doyle had to smile at Bodie's inordinately pleased grin, as well as his clumsy attempt to hide his embarrassment by changing topics mid-sentence. Instead of teasing Bodie about his discomfort, Doyle reached out and brushed the backs of his fingers down Bodie's cheek and asked enticingly, "What should we do since we have twenty-four hours to ourselves, then?"

"Oh, I reckon we'll think of something to pass the time." Bodie smiled and grabbed Doyle's hand.

Doyle followed his lover willingly, and together they tumbled onto their bed. Twenty-four hours wasn't nearly long enough for what he had in mind, not enough to make up for regrets and all those lost years, but then, they had a lifetime for that now.

The End


End file.
